Father. Dad. And AYAH!

When you want to give up but you can’t. Because the only way to survive is wake up and keep living. It’s hard but nothing much you can do. You just trap in your own jail. Escape is the impossible thing to do. Everyone is struggling. Really hard. You look at everything around you, looking for something that can help you, everything look so hard even breathing is hard. And you end up give up again. Hope? There is no more left.

“This morning I wake up again. Shower. Get ready to start the day. Every day’s routine is same. My wife is sick. Half of her body is paralyze but she still can talk and walk. I know it’s hard for her to keep living. Went out to buy breakfast for her, then went out again for work. At noon, I came back home. Cook for my wife. Watch TV in the evening. Went out again, bought something for dinner. Take care of her whole day. At the end of the day, off to bed. I don’t sleep with my wife anymore. She is sick and she won’t switch on the fan, weather is hot here, so I slept in other room.

Pathetic? Lonely? Yes I am. I know.

My children is far from me. Maybe my fault. My temper is uncontrollable. So that’s why. But sometimes I get lonely too. I need someone who I can talk to. Someone who I can depend to. Someone who just listen to my problem and feelings. But there is no one.  Getting angrier every day. But there is the only way I can express myself to other.

I have grandchildren. Whenever the stop by, I feel really happy. By see them makes me happy. But I keep it silent.

Night feel so long. And sleep.”

That’s the thought. The thought that I thought my dad’s thought would be.

I don’t know him. He smiled but he’s seem angry and sad and lonely too. I don’t know why I don’t approach him. It’s hard. I’m a bad daughter. Whenever he called me, I avoided. He asked to have a meal with him, I rejected. Every time I’ve done that, I end up feel bad for him, and I feel I’m a bad person. Be around him is hard. Uncomfortable too but I want him to be happy. I don’t want to be regret if there is no him anymore beside me. I love him, you know.

People grow up. Memories is a painful disease with no medicine. People said time will heal everything. But it’s not because time make it feel harder and more pain-er. Buried deep inside human’s soul is hoping that time won’t go away.

If I’m the one who die first let him know how much I love him. Men is a beautiful painful puzzle to solve. They keep it all alone rather than talk to anyone.

The cool days. The beautiful days. The no turn back days. It’s really a beautiful days. The days that I don’t know it will end up like this.

In my story there is no happy ending. The end ain’t that great. But the feeling I felt is a happen ending.

Why I talked about my dad more because I know my mum well. She express herself more. But my dad is different. I felt sorry for him for not being there for him. Not to try to understand him. And I keep hurt him silently. I know he try to be strong, I don’t him to be sad but sometimes crying can be a helper right?

I’m so sorry again. Bye.